We all know what it feels like to be not heard. It doesn’t feel good, does it?
One of our deepest longings — deeper than anything — is that other people should acknowledge our feelings. At peak moments we want our sufferings to be understood, anxieties to be noticed. It’s not that people want others to listen. To truly honour another person, we need to allow them to speak, without discouraging what people are saying.
The habit of not acknowledging others feelings stems from childhood. Parents, often the most loving ones, often stumble in this domain. It is not that they don’t intensely care about their kids but their love is quite different. They appreciate their child’s mood by ignoring it rather than subtly pushing the mood away or helping them out. Some of the conversations between parents and their child.
Scene 1
Kid : I feel sad
Parent : You can’t be sad, we are on vacation
Scene 2
Kid : I feel worried
Parent : Darling, it’s just ridiculous, there is nothing to be scared of
Scene 3
Kid : I wish there wasn’t any school ever ever
Parent : Don’t be silly. You know we have to leave the house at 8
What if such dialogues were slightly tweaked, for example, if the parents could say “It’s alright to be sad at the oddest of the times, even on this beach” or “I can see you are scared, the wind out there is really fierce” or “It must be horrible to do math after such a lovely weekend”? The child would grow to be a better adult.
But why don’t we acknowledge the feelings? Fear. The feelings that we push away are emotionally inconvenient or troubling or upsetting. We love our friends and family so much, that we don’t want them to imagine that they might be sad, worried or lost. Furthermore, we think that acknowledging a difficult feeling might make it far worse than it actually is and won’t make them stronger. We fear that mirroring the emotions might make them feel worse. And the result of not getting heard is resentment and withdrawal. After a while, the effort to communicate is abandoned, which creates distance between relationships.
What we are missing is that most of us, once we’ve been heard we feel far better. The angry person gets less enraged once their frustration is recognized. Feelings become less brutal once they have been given a channel to propagate. We become bullies if no one listens to us, never because they listened to us.
One of the most powerful ways to enhance your relationship is to take time to sincerely listen to people with your heart. It might take some time and patience, but it is absolutely worth it. So next time someone is feeling bad don’t shush them with some ignorant reply, instead listen to them and be kind to them, who knows they might feel better.