Just like happiness, Sadness is also a part of human experience. But the idea of sadness is quite convoluted, what it is and what it has to do with anything. It is the natural reaction to any difficult situation, when your loved one dies or your favorite team loses. But the brain deals with it differently. Kubler-Ross in 1969 published her work, On Death and Dying, based on observing and interviewing the patients and people whose close one’s died. Kubler-Ross model modeled grief in 5 stages. Originally it was devised for terminally ill patients but later it was adapted to the loss of other people.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargain
- Depression
- Acceptance
Contrary to popular belief, the five stages of grief do not occur in specific order. We often move between stages before reaching the final stage of acceptance. Moreso, once we know these stages we cannot reach the acceptance any faster. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time.
- Denial : The first reaction when someone learns about the loss — to deny the reality of the situation. It is the common defence mechanism which allows people to absorb the news and begin the process. “This isn’t happening” is a common reaction of people to overwhelming emotion.
- Anger : Next is anger. As the masking effect of denial fades away, we are still not ready for the reality and pain re-emerge. These intense emotions arise from our vulnerable core and are expressed as anger. These emotions may aim at other people and oftentimes inanimate objects. In fact, we often start to blame people who, rationally, shouldn’t be blamed.
- Bargain : Being vulnerable and helpless, people try to regain control. Through a series of “if only” and “what if” statements we try to bargain with God to postpone the inevitable, and heal the pain. This defense action helps us postpone sadness, confusion or pain.
- Depression : The quiet stage. This could be the time when one may embrace and work through the pain in a more healthful manner. The grievous person might isolate themselves from reality in order to completely absorb the pain. But this doesn’t mean depression is easy, it can be difficult and messy like other stages.
- Acceptance : And then comes the final stage, acceptance. It is not necessarily a happy stage of grief but it provides one with the truth — the truth about what the grief means to them. It helps you understand the grief and at the end, you finally accept it and continue with your life.
One moment of grief for all the Indian Cricket fans was when India lost to Pakistan in ICC 2017 Champions Trophy Finals. Every Indian Cricket fan was deeply saddened by the loss and could not believe the scorecard, and Pakistan’s win. As we moved to the next stage, our rage rose against Indian Players and fans started to blame the situations, developed conspiracy theories and whatnot. In order to bargain our grief, we posed different excuses that we won in Hockey by 7-1, at least we reached the finals etc. Slowly phasing into depression and realising we were so close to the cup that we could have won it. Subsequently, most of us accepted that it was a Cricket match and winning and losing is part of the game . Although we still feel bad about whatever happened that day, it’s alright. Indian Cricket Team has made us proud many times.
Everyone grieves differently. Some people will wear their emotions while others may feel grief internally. At least, You should try and not judge people on how they grief. But the common thread which keeps one through the loss is hope. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through each of them. In fact, one should use them as the guides in the grieving process.